Monday, November 17, 2008

Like A Merry-Go-Round

I took the boys to the zoo, on Thursday. The weather was amazing, the zoo was empty (which was SO wonderful!), and my boys and I had one of the best days we've had in while.

And on this day, we decided to go on the merry-go-round. This is a big treat, because I usually say no to this crazy ride that makes mommy sick. But on that day, while standing in between my two boys, I realized something-- I am on a constant merry-go-round. Let me explain:

I don't like to complain. I don't like to ask for help. I don't like to let people know how I really feel, sometimes. I am a people pleaser, easy going, and REALLY good at hiding behind a not-so-true smile. I'm not sure why I am this way. I've always been this way.

So while I was spinning in circles, miserable, putting on my smile (as to not hurt my babies' feelings!), I realized that my life is a reflection of this ride. I'm spinning. I'm not in control, and I don't want to be. I really don't want to be in control; I am fine with allowing my God to lead my life. But, I am spinning in this circle, a little lost, a little dizzy, and not really going anywhere. And, I think that's what is so frustrating to me.

I would love for school to be over. I am tired.
I would love to know whether or not there are more kids in our future...and when.
I would love to SLOW down a little bit, and really enjoy everyday of my kids' lives.
I would love to no longer wonder dizzily through life. I am tired, very tired, and sometimes days are blurs.
I would love to no longer be a people pleaser, all of the time. Why can't I have a miserable day? I can. and I do!
I would love to just be content. Sometimes I try to be in control, and that just doesn't work.

So- as I was spinning in circles and listing all of the things I would LOVE to do, I kept repeating something over and over in my head:

but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 28:31

Thank goodness! I won't spin in circles forever. I hope, therefore I will soar on wings like eagles. Sigh. I just have to keep that hope going, and pray that I can make it through this rough season of life. And I plan on doing just that! :)

Besides, if I beat the merry-go-round of life then I can enjoy more moments life these:


Kellan said...

I think you have such a strong faith and that is what will get you through all the turmoils in your life. I have always relied on God to guide me through my life and I trust him completely - it works!! I'm way older than you and I still SPIN a lot, but it doesn't take me long to let go of the problems and rely on God to carry the load - he always does!

What a nice day with your boys - you are good Mom! Take care - Kellan

Blueberry said...

oh, we all feel that way sometimes/all the time. ;) we mommies have a lot on our shoulders! just hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

sorry about the merry go round though- it is about the only ride i CAN go on without being sick!

Amy said...

Oh Brittany, hang in there!! We all go through it and come out of it. Sometimes it's overwhelming, but really this is the best time of your life!

Dawn said...

One day at a time, hon!! Whenever I get overwhelmed, this is a little mantra that helps me through. Just get through today. Matthew 6:34 is another one to hang onto in this regard.

I suffer from people-pleasing syndrome, and I'm doubtful this will really ever go away, but I am trying really hard to live to please God, my husband, my kids, and so on, in that order. This helps me say no when I need to say no.

You are an amazing mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, & blogging comrade. Give yourself room to rest and be YOU. And make sure you get enough alone time each week (a couple of hours sure does the trick for me).

With love, dear.

Elaine A. said...

I know we all feel this way at times. Trust me, I know.

The verse that you noted is beautiful and because you are grounded in your faith you will prevail! : )

jessicamarie12 said...

I feel like I am constantly busy (spinning) -- and I am single! I have no idea how you do it :) You have my utmost respect! I panic at least once a month about how I'll ever keep it together once I am married and have kids, and how I will ever raise them in this terrible world. Eeek!

I am sure in ten years I'll be calling you with the same issues... you'll just laugh and refer me back to this blog post... ;)

Fire Hunt said...

I had a day like that today but it is a good thing that at the end of the day God is the one to. carry the load

CissaLynn said...

Girl, what a strong testimony!!! I can identify w/this post!!! Thanks for sharing and putting it out there 'cause it reaches out to people like me!!! I appreciate it! :)
I love the zoo and I find that I feel closer to the Lord when I am there! Somehow, things seem "better" and I have a renewed sense of hope when I am there!

Have a good week!
Btw, CUTE pics!!!! :)))

Stacy said...

It is wonderful that you have such strong faith and you can lay your burdens on the Lord. I wish I was as strong in Faith as you, but it is of my own making. I feel that life is a blur, too. I think as mothers we put too much pressure on ourselves. I know I do, and seeing what I do to myself, of my own volition, just makes me wonder WHY?

You are a busy lady, but soon it will get better. Once you are done with school life gets to be a bit more controllable.

Christina said...

Wow, that's pretty profound stuff! A lot of it's true of me, too.

Arizaphale said...

Ahhh lovely lovely Brittany. Your last statement on the carousel really rang for me.

"I would love to just be content. Sometimes I try to be in control, and that just doesn't work."

I'd love you to expand on that. What do you mean 'content'? What do you mean 'in control'?

I remember reading something on the internet when I was in the depths of my post divorce bewilderment and new motherhood helplessness. It said
"happiness is a journey not a destination."
"today is a gift, that's why it is called the present".

Even with God in control you can also make sense of your own life. Do what you need to do for you and your family. Believe that your wants and needs are also important.
Know that you are loved even when you are unhappy and unsure.

The Lord works best through us when we are empowered and purposeful.
Arizaphale v 1:1 :-D
(apologies if I am irreverant)